Hello Everyone! Welcome back to my blog!
I’m so excited to be back. I know it’s been over a month since I’ve posted but I got off track. I went from focused to flustered in 2.5 seconds and I had absolutely no idea how to get out of that mindset. I talked to as many people as I could about the way I was feeling but that didn’t help. I watched videos on YT about maintaining your focus but that didn’t help. I went to church looking for answers but found none. Then I realized, during my time of focus I stopped leaning on God and started leaning on myself. I was making time for my blog, my favorite YouTubers, Instagram, Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta, SZA’s new album CTRL…etc. but a week went by and I hadn’t read my devotional or spent time in prayer.
How did this happen? I got caught up in worldly things and lost my vision.
It all started when I saw that my ex-boyfriend and his twin had gotten married and were trying to slither their way back into my life. Yes, I said slither. Like, who does that? I haven’t spoken to either of them in 2 years. Next, my sister from another mister reached out to me with a HUGE roadblock that she needed help with. Then, I started looking around at those around me and felt completely stagnant. Asking myself: “What are you doing?”, “What’s your purpose?”, “Are you wasting time?”, “Shouldn’t you be doing more?”, and so much more. Basically beating myself up which I am all too good at. Lastly, my grandfather got rushed to the hospital.
I felt alone. I felt used. I felt sad. I felt overwhelmed. I felt as though people wanted things from me that I couldn’t give them. I also felt like I had to put on a brave face which is why I haven’t posted in forever. The typical struggle of being the “strong one”.
All I needed was God but instead, I was placing Barbie band-aids on things that clearly needed stitches, a cast, and 3 months to heal.
And so I realized my life had become a never ending cycle that consisted of 3 things:
- Solid Focus.
- Repeated Distractions.
Being the problem solver that I am, I was determined to get to the bottom of it because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Then it hit me, I WAS FIGHTING GOD. I was going up against the very person that could fix every last one of my problems and take all of my burdens away.
I was doing what I wanted to do and what made me comfortable. I was running away from God’s purpose for my life as fast as I could but made no progress at all.
God wanted my attention. He was going to keep letting things hit me and keep removing people from my life until He was my only one I could turn to. This reminded me of a book I finished in May which said the following:
“…people wanted to know how I ticked but no one really wanted to know me. That’s hard even for the strongest of people. When you’re peculiar, with a peculiar purpose, there are times when it’s just you and God. Those are the times to cling to. When everyone is interested in what you do, but not you, that’s the time to appreciate those who love you for you. Take the time to celebrate the God who never forgot you.”
– an excerpt from Called to the Peak. Craving the Pit. by N. A. Jones
In that moment, I realized I had to stop running because eventually, I was going to run myself into the ground and live a life of misery. I loathe letting people into my personal life. There are certain things that I just don’t want people to know about me. There are some parts of me that I don’t want to put on display but then I can hear God in my ear, “I didn’t put these storms on your path so that you could keep them to yourself. I did it so that you can help further my kingdom. Stop running from me.”
So here I am. Focused. Fulfilled. Faithful. Ready to share the very things that I vowed to never speak of again. I pray that as I allow myself to be 100% open with you all that you receive it wholeheartedly.
Man, I have so much in store for all of you and I can’t wait to share it.
Please check out the book Called to the Peak, Craving the Pit. It was written by a dear friend of mine and it comes straight from the heart. You will not be disappointed, I promise you. & don’t let Amazon fool you, she’s sold over 4,000 copies. It’s something you will keep coming back to for years to come and will definitely pass along to all of your friends and family.
I’M BACKKKKKKKKK!! 🙂
Peace & Love,